Tell the truth, shame the….

I spend a lot of time obsessed with my flaws. I’m not a good mother. Wife. Daughter. Sister. I’ll save some characters and say sometimes I am just NOT a good person. Not because I don’t want to be, but because it is HARD. I hate my job with the fiery passion of two star crossed lovers. I am too kind to people who do not wish me well. I’m overweight and obsessed with food. I mean, I could go on but let me not bore any one with my mental and emotional sparring.

Let me try this again.

I try so hard to be a GOOD person, that the end result is my disappointment in myself. I’ve spent the almost 15 years as a parent trying to raise intelligent, humbled human beings and so far… well…they are human. I’ve tried to be a supporter of the people that I love and care about and it’s often to their detriment. And mine, because again, I am left with disappointment.

So I guess I am not a BAD person, just one who tries too hard. I have a hard time accepting the truth in many situations. So I’ve decided to use my first dalliance reuniting with personal blogging to tell myself the truth.

BeBe’s kids

My kids will not be perfect. I think I know this one, I am just not accepting of the imperfections that they have. And honestly, I REALLY need to be.

To be, or not to be….

I cannot be upset with my employment situation because I chose it. Instead of following my passion and doing something that I enjoyed, I  took the road often traveled and went with what provided a check. I can either have a sit down with myself and figure out what IS my passion now that I’ve lived a little more life or shut up and give praise on direct deposit days.

People are not always going to treat me how I treat them. And that is ok. No it’s not, but for the sake of my own sanity I will have to suck this one up. The thing I have to get over is that the joy I used to get from loving people has turned to distrust and ill feelings, so it’s not worth it. Love people who genuinely love you, Nackia. Your shoulders are not big enough to support people who aren’t willing to support you when you need it. I have got to stop driving myself crazy over other peoples problems to avoid dealing with my own.

Screw telling the truth and shaming the devil, I’ve got to stop shaming myself.

Self care- practice makes perfect

I am admittedly and unabashedly a social media junkie. Wake up- facebook. Can’t sleep? Twitter. Instagram for the interim. Hey, I have a desk job. A boring one at that. That’s neither here nor there.

For the past few years social media has slowly become my community news source. I believe it began for me with Trayvon Martin and reached its peak with Michael Brown. Twitter was where I was able to get the news the mainstream media didn’t give a flying fist of fury about reporting. Why? Because it didn’t align with their agenda. Another post, another day.

My tweeple became my sounding boards for my frustration and fear. Every so often a twitter beef or black twitter roast would pop up and distract us from the angst we all felt.

Then the stories became more frequent. More senseless. More names. More hasthags. More grieving families. I began to feel my morale not only slip but fall like an old lady on ice. I was consumed by the injustices my people were facing and the ignorance and hate my “fellow Americans” REALLY felt. Oh and meanwhile, life continued around me in the form of work and family. It started to take a toll on my mental and my physical.

Then the phrase “self-care” was tossed out. It wasnt a phrase I had heard before, but I liked it. It seemed the missing piece to the depression I had been prone to before. Self care. It was like someone had finally shared with me the secret to life. This was something I could share with the masses who were hurting like I was.

It’s as simple as unplugging from the things that bring you down, be it tv, social issues, social media and doing something for SELF. Something to uplift you. An activity that makes you smile or gives you that child like giggle. A walk in the park to simply appreciate the fact that you are HERE. Life is a gift. An unappreciated one mostly but a gift all the same.

Since my discovery (yes…I am Columbusing it) I have tried to implement it as often as I remember which these days is pretty scarce. I can’t watch every video. Read every story. They won’t find every missing child.  I have to separate myself from these stories at least twice a week. It’s in the back of my mind though and hopefully the closer it inches toward this forehead mole, the more I will practice what I am attempting to preach.

Hereditary

This was already in my head, but my daughter just brought it out.

I was sooooo conceited when I was her age. My sister or any of my Foster sisters will tell you, compliment my eyes and meet a diva. But bump that, I DID know they would tell me how pretty my eyes were. They always did. Thank GAWD I didn’t get dad’s mint greens…..Jesus be some vanity.

Anyway….that was then. As I grew up, became awkward and met that hoe “puberty “, my vanity faded. There were a few other events that took away from my confidence,  but again, another post…maybe one day.

Queen of Digression, this one. The older I got, the less I felt beautiful, cute, worthy.  Being smart only took me so far. Who was really checking for the bookworm in hand-me-downs with the goofy grin, right?

Right.

I’d say by age 10, I didn’t love myself. Not just because of my looks, I just didn’t. Could be genetics.  Nature. Nurture. Didn’t MTV come out right after I was born? The blame can be endless. And unfortunately,  it carried itself into my adult life and to this very day I struggle with self esteem.

Pick your jaw up, shocking. I know.

But I see in my daughter that same vanity with a twinge of “say what you want, I love ME.” I pray that in my own deficiency I can foster that into a young woman who is confident in who she is and what she can do.

Be who and what you want. Don’t Let anyone make you feel as if you aren’t good enough. If you know you are smart, talented, beautiful Inside and OUT,  in the ever pertinent words of Pastor Mason Betha….

“Can’t nobody take my pride….can’t nobody hold me down…Oh No!”

sans the double negatives.

I pray that the demons and acne/badteeth/bad people. Media  images don’t influence my kids like they did me and they flourish.

Talking just to talk….

Whether we want to admit it or not, our whole lives are based on the acceptance and approval of others. Face it, your pursuit of happiness isn’t because it truly makes YOU happy but makes you APPEAR happy to others.

Working extra hard to buy clothes by a “designer”, it doesn’t give you super powers or anything, it gives the ILLUSION that you are financially superior and therefore HAPPY. To people who don’t even really matter to you. And you really don’t to them. Conversation pieces, if you will.

Having a 100 bedroom home for 2 isn’t because you plan to expand your family exponentially, it’s because it’s something to TALK about. Something deep inside you believe will impress the imaginary masses. Make people like you; accept you for who you are. Or aren’t. Or portray. Or wish to be.

Stop. Take a deep breath. Think about you goals, dreams, desires, accomplishments. Are at least 75% of them to prove something to someone else? Impress them? What you’re proving isn’t the point, the point is- is it really for YOU?

Humans as a whole derive their pleasures and advancement on how much “better” or “different” they are than the next. Think about it. Comparing jobs, cars, homes, relationships, finances, education…the list goes farther than I have time for. The crabs in a barrel mentality is so real and so deeply ingrained in us that we don’t even realize it.

Reputation is the one thing I can say will have people living outside of their means, tolerance and capacity. All for the sake of saying “I can. I have. I did. I am.” When really it only matters to one because they believe it matters to all.

Maybe this is a personal epiphany and maybe I’m just choosing to share with the few people who read my rants. I’m guilty on multiple counts of living my life as expected by others. It’s a hard habit to break as it usually is learned as a child. Behave as others want and expect. Maybe I just want someone else to see it with me.

Story time. Like to hear it? Here it goes

The year was 1997. I was pure, not necessarily innocent, but pure. My best friend at the time was “dating” a guy and as a result, I ended up meeting his friend. And this is where the story begins. Literally my life changed in 7 days.

 

When I stepped off of that bus, I was greeted by a young man in a yellow FUBU jersey ( that part may not be completely accurate, but follow me), surrounded by a halo.  Laugh if you want. It’s all true. All I seen were ears, yellow, the light of God and my future. I knew then and there he would be mine. And eventually….I think I got him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There was something about him that made me fall right then into the pits of Hell, I mean love. He was funny, dominating, not too bad on the eyes and he was great with kids.

**winning!!!!!**

Fast forward to where we are now. Finally going to tie the knot. Been through every peak and valley imaginable with a road map that seems to be heavy in them. Anyone who knows our relationship can attest to the good, bad and ugly. We’ve loved, hated, bonded,split, fussed, cussed and mussed enough for everyone. Through it all, I still seen that halo around the asshole I grew to know and love.

What started out as a friendship has evolved to this; two people raising Hell and children. What started off as two wild children has resulted in a family of 6. What started off as a follow up to a phone number at a basketball game has made it to the man I plan to spend forever with. Sham fucking wow.

 

As much as I would like to say that all of the trials and tribulations we’ve endured were worth it, they weren’t. Let’s not be cliche. That bus fare back in 1997, however, was.

 

When I say Whitney has sung a song for my every thought or emotion…..listen.

Watch “Whitney Houston – Unashamed” on YouTube

Onion ring and a small Pepsi

The people close to me tease me about my obsession with the grocery store. I’ll go in and spend two times the amount I planned to. Bread, chicken, ground beef, do NOT forget the noodles. I like to eat. I like to cook. And until I just realized we are down to our bare necessities did I understand why.

There was once a time in my young life we had nothing in the house but onions, corn meal and Pepsi. What a combination. Until that point in my life, maybe 11 or so,  I wouldnt touch an onion ring. But when there was nothing but those ingredients….ha. I grew to love them.

I still don’t even know how I knew how to make them, but I remember being in that kitchen, slicing onions, battering and frying them, then eating them slathered in ketchup. And gazing at moms Pepsi. Frosted flakes and Pepsi…Off. Damn. Limits.

Those days are long gone and didn’t last as long as they felt,  but every now and then that despair I felt back then hits me. When I go to plan our meal and realize we don’t have shit. No rice? What? We are out of what? Off to the grocer I go.

  I realized just now, my obsession with full cabinets and freezers is because I don’t want my kids to ever feel that they have to eat something they hate. While not a bad thing, I cook most days in the week. We collectively JUST became privy to the “leftover struggle”. When I spend.my last, it’s making sure everyone has at least ONE thing they like to eat. My trauma is spoiling my children’s culinary choices by GIVING them choices.

But….they can’t have my Pepsi though. Traditions are those for a reason.

Too much Iyanla, not enough ratchet TV

One of my dearest friends always tells me, “Kia, you are such a sweet person. You are too nice to people. Even people who have wronged you.” ( If you’re reading this, I paraphrased..sue me) I agree, I am a sweet person, at least I’d like to think so with regards to being supportive and things of that nature. If I can, I do. If I can’t, I still try. I believe heavily in karma, having reaped her wrath several times in life. So I try live by the Golden Rule of old and treat people how I’d like to be treated.

Let me tell you how many times THAT has left egg on my face and a bad taste for humans in my mouth.

Nonetheless, I still try to hold love for people in my heart. Those who have hurt me, those who have betrayed me and even strangers I’ve met on this crazy thing called cyber space. While people may not THINK I know it, even the people who have wished ill upon me I STILL LOVE AND CARE FOR. Why? Because it will hurt me more to hate you than it does to love you. Looking back, in many instances it has hurt me more to love people who didn’t hold the same love and respect for me as I did them. I am fine with that because out of that came a good thing; I learned that everyone won’t love me the way I love them and that I will survive that too.

As of late, I have been trying to delve into my spirituality to calm the storm going on in my head and personal relationships. The wounds of wrong doings past have begun to show themselves again and it’s frightening. Just when you think the stitches  healed the wound, you realize the scar is probably forever. So you start investing in “cover ups” to help your self-esteem about this scar that you are sure everyone sees. The scar probably will never go away. And if it fades, it will always be there because you know it’s there. Others may not see it, but you lived with it for its duration and you will never forget it exists. And people will probably think you’re crazy because they have forgotten about the damn thing.

I kind of went left there, as I’m known to do. What I’m saying is, when people hurt you and you continue to love them , you will ALWAYS be concerned with their lives, the lives of those close to them etc. There are people who remain in my life who have hurt me to the point of me seeking vengeance, but realizing it is really hurting no one but myself. Many will call it stooping to anothers level, and in a sense that is what it is. I don’t desire to find humor in the hardships of others as they may have for me. I don’t desire to seek retribution for a broken heart. I don’t want to wish harm, hurt or anything on ANYONE who has run afoul of me but have never been able to grasp why anyone would want to wish it on ME??? And that is where my conflict  begins. And subsequently ends. Kia is not for everybody. The end.

I have had tangible items stolen from me and things not so tangible. I have been hurt physically, emotionally and mentally by people who claimed to have loved me. I have been betrayed and mislead by people who vowed to never do those things. Does that mean I should do it in return, especially following the Golden Rule? Because if that is how they treat ME, aren’t hey asking ME to return the favor? Nah…they are asking for Karma to roll her fat ass around to their crib and pay a visit. I hated when she came to visit me, she always overstayed her welcome like shit. When she left, I was always broken, defeated and hungry.

As much as I dislike that broad ( Karma) for what she has done to me, or really what I have done to myself, I can’t find humor in her taking camp with someone else how someone would if it were me. Try as I might, that “sweet person” in me always feels a twinge of guilt/remorse/sadness. I care too much about people, even if they don’t care for me. On the surface, it’s one way, but deep down, it hurts me.

I’ve been watching a lot of inspirational videos and most are about forgiveness. What a word. What a feeling. I’m learning that that is REALLY what I have been trying and failing at for so long. The biggest part of  this dilemma I’m having. I’ve moved on from all of these situations and forgiven others for wronging me, but not forgiving myself for allowing it to continue. The epic “fool me once..” line. The sooner I learn to forgive myself for being foolish; forgive myself for forgiving others; forgive myself for being so damn “sweet”…the better off I may actually be.

Fax and eggsamples

If there is one thing you can’t ignore, it’s facts and examples. You can, but that would make you a fool. By definition, a fact is : 1 : a thing done: as a obsolete : FEAT b : CRIME c archaic : ACTION 2 archaic : PERFORMANCE, DOING 3 : the quality of being actual : ACTUALITY 4 a : something that has actual existence b : an actual occurrence 5 : a piece of information presented as having objective reality — in fact : in truth

Wow. And an example is: 1 : one that serves as a pattern to be imitated or not to be imitated 2 : a punishment inflicted on someone as a warning to others; also : an individual so punished 3 : one (as an item or incident) that is representative of all of a group or type 4 : a parallel or closely similar case especially when serving as a precedent or model 5 : an instance (as a problem to be solved) serving to illustrate a rule or precept or to act as an exercise in the application of a rule synonyms see INSTANCE, MODEL — for example \fər-ig-ˈzam-pəl, frig-\ : as an example

Can you differentiate? Do you live your life as a fact or an example?